I just broke up with my gf. it's been three months, but it still hurts.
i know I'm not the nicest person when I'm angry. i really am not. and once I'm angry, it's really hard to stop. i have to throw things, i have to destroy. she said i had an anger management problem. i went to a shrink. he said, she was the problem. I personally don't know which one is right and which one is wrong anymore. maybe you know, but i really don't.
i read some lyrics from my friend who is a musician. he said something about, I'll be glad it hurts. i really do hope that happens. i really..am not happy right now. i really am hurt.
she has a new bf now. I'm jealous. isn't that normal? that guy offer himself as a rebound. "I'll help you through this" he said to my ex. I personally think he liked my ex since she was still with me. I told her this. she said no. He didn't. At least that's what he told her. but, from what I saw, he did. I'm a guy too. and I'm twenty something. I liked a lot of girls. I've seen guys like a lot of girls. I know what they're doing. I bet she knows too. It's not the first time there's another guy in our relationship. it's the second one. The first guy pretty much acted the same way.
"hey wanna grab something to eat?"
"hey, how are you today?"
"hey, what do you up to now?"
"hey, you wanna catch a movie?"
"hey, can I come over to your house?"
"hey, wanna drive around?"
that's the first guy. and here's the second one.
"hey, I'm in the area, wanna grab a bite?"
"hey, I'm in the area, wanna catch a movie?"
"ow, you're sick, I'm in the area, do you want me to buy you food?"
"hey, do you want me to come over to fix your computer?"
it's pretty much the same, right? and you might think, "what's so wrong about that?"
well, do you see ME there? I was her bf, right, so at least I should be there, in one of those equations. did she tried to include me in one of those? She did. a few times. not all the times. I know she knew I didn't like they guy. but isn't that more reasons for her to be extra careful with them? well, i don't think she did. what she did was, "okay, so you don't like the guy, i hang out with him alone then."
well...i...really don't know if I'm right. i talked to some of my friends. they say she had a problem. they say she was wrong. Maybe I missed something when I tell them. maybe, I miss something when...I crunch the story in my brain. maybe....there's something i don't know.
well, another thing that hurts me really bad is. she started seeing this guy 1 month after she broke up with me. he said he'll help her through this. I said he's just grabbing chances. isn't vulnerable human being is the most easy prey in the world? I think so. I conversed with a scammer. I knew all along she was a scammer. but I wake up every morning looking forward to those e-mails. I can't wait to sleep everyday so that I can read her e-mail when I woke up. that's and i knew she was a scammer.
I spent 1 year with her. It's short. But I basically acted as her husband. I lived with her. I cooked for her. she cooked for me. We did laundry together. We helped each other doing house chores. We went out together. We dreamed about going to Kansas to started a farm. We dreamed about leaving everything behind and started a new life. We planned how many babies we will have. we pretended we have babies. We think of a plan to go to Vegas so that we can marry there. So that we are tied together forever. I...love her..she loved me.
I wrong her too. I never said I'm holy. I cheated on her. I asked some girl to stripped for me. and I masturbate in front of her. through a webcam. she said that's worse than she cheated on me with the first guy.
I hit her too. a few times. a lot of times. she did too. we hurt each other. I have scars on my body. small ones, but it's a scar. I'm always thankful that I never leave any mark on her body. especially her face. we drove each other nuts. we...hurt each other. it's not healthy, people said. but I love her. she loved me. why bother?
we had a fight again yesterday. It's more that I was angry and she listened. she said I'm a crazy jerk. just like her first bf. I'm the second. She used to tell me that I'm the one she really loved. Never in this world someone loved her as much as I did. That she will always love me. That..I'm one special person in her life. Now, I'm just another crazy jerk.
i don't even know why I'm writing this. I just hope someone stumble across this blog and learned from it. I hope someone......... never do what I did.
